Next Life Crisis

You heard the term here first!  LOL

Screw the mid-life crisis and the quarter-life crisis, let’s just call them our next life crises.

What do I mean?  Well, it’s just what it sounds like, I’m trying to decide what to be next.  We go through many transitions in our lifetime, the obvious ones of entering the workforce, the quarter & mid-life crises of whether we’re doing the best thing for us, retirement.  Let’s not forget puberty, major relationships, etc.

I think we have more of them than we used to, or than our parents had.  It was one mid-life crisis.  Now it’s a regular change-over event, a re-inventing of self from one set of circumstances to the next.

I evolve spiritually, the rest of my world attempts to evolve.  Because the more I change on the inside, the bigger the discrepancy between who I truly am and what I do.  And the greater that divide, the more intense my cognitive dissonance.

Hehehe, fun to use that phrase.  Perhaps it’s spiritual dissonance.  Or just personal dissonance.

So I’ve been trying to figure out what career to move myself over to, in order to reduce this dissonance.  And then figure out how would I do it?  How do I switch practical paths?  The mundane world isn’t as easy to shift zones in as the spiritual one.  I can’t just make a decision and do/study/practice something else.  There’s this thing called a job, and it pays me (rather well, actually), and that puts a roof over my head, pays for food, clothes, pets.  Things that can’t just be tossed aside because I feel like doing something different.

So I’m working on it.  Planning and figuring out where I’m going to go and how I’m going to get there.

My Next Life crisis.

You know the best part of the phrase?  It’s completely open-ended on how many times you can go through one in a single lifetime.  Yippee?  lol.

Happy changing!

Saturn

Getting Quiet

My New Year’s resolution (yes, I dared to have one and no, it was not to be nicer to people-sorry, in-joke) is to be better at rest.  Getting a full amount of sleep.  Taking breaks from tasks to recover so that I can do more better in shorter times.  Ideally.

To set the backdrop, I don’t spend a lot of time on my balcony.  It’s nice.  i keep it decorated and decently clean.  But I’m rarely comfortable spending time out there.

Yesterday, I went to visit a friend.  She and her partner regularly go outside for a smoke, they sit in their backyard, look at the trees and relax.

Today I realized that I avoid the balcony because I am bothered by the idea of simply relaxing.  I should be DOING something, not just sitting on my ass.

Or so says the back part of my brain.

Tonight I went outside for my own nip of bud though more importantly to take a distinct break between tasks, between things I was working on.  It felt good at their place, surely I could do something similar in my own home?

And it worked.  Okay, yes, we have to ignore my twitchy, must move, must do something, must must must voice, but after that it was calm, it was peaceful, it allowed me to regroup, as it were, and settle comfortably back into myself.

I didn’t wait until I was too exhausted and then crash out from the exhaustion of pushing myself through the horror of doing what I “should” do.  Instead, when that feeling came on, I went outside, took a break, gave myself just 15 minutes of relaxing and contemplating and BEING.

Then came back in and it was round two of doing…wait, I could do whatever I wanted.  And I did do it.  I did the things on my list but because I wanted them done not so that I wouldn’t feel guilty.

Recognizing and using the power of breaks and rest is my New Year’s resolution.  Here’s planning towards it being a new habit and soon.

A night of fabulousness to all, and to all a fab night.

~Abysmal Witch

No Respite…For Anyone?

Do you remember when stores were CLOSED on New Year’s Day?  And Christmas Day.

I don’t mean a few stores, I mean everything except for a few gas stations, the odd pharmacy and the occasional restaurant.

The streets were near vacant because there was nowhere to go except to friends, family or nature.

Today I drove to a friend’s place.  It is New Year’s Day.  Parking lots had a noticeable amount of cars in them.  Not as bad as during the holiday frenzy and yet, still, a plentitude of cars dotting the asphalt landscape.

But surely I was mistaken!  Surely people aren’t actually shopping on New Year’s Day.

Nope.  That Winners had someone coming out of it.  Those other people were headed into some other store.

Yes, there were still places closed.  But it wasn’t like before.  It wasn’t a case that almost everyone had the day off except for near essential services (food, gas and medication).  Some number were still free from the work world, but many were not so lucky.  Not nearly enough of them.

The joy of these days was that the world rested.  In the midst of the silent season, we would go quiet, rest and celebrate that rest.

Now our culture has led us to strip ourselves of even that.  Despite the joy I take in the season, I see many nasty roads we are taking ourselves down.  This one in particular struck me painfully today.

We’re forgetting how to let ourselves rest, how to turn off, how to let go.  Despite broader understanding of the need for rest and respite, we are taking ever more steps towards a world where that is forgotten, devalued, tossed aside like three day old chicken bones that never saw the inside of a fridge.

Sadness.

~Abysmal Witch

Halloween Philosiphizing

The other day I was thinking.  I know, I know, it was a dangerous thing for my poor little mind, but sometimes even I need to go down that road.  And after some minutes of the poor little mice struggling to overcome inertia and get the wheels turning stuff like the following spewed out:

Halloween is one of the few co-created society-wide events in our society.  Christmas is another one, the other “major” holidays less so.  These are events where a majority of people buy into the event and work together to create an atmosphere.  With Christmas, for example, people put lights on their houses and decorations outside for others to share in as an experience.

Small examples of this that I’ve experienced are small weekend pagan events where we all agree to co-create a particular world around us.  I go to one entitled Pirates & Faeries.  Everyone dresses up, decorates their living space, and work together to decorate our shared spaces.  The results are spectacular.  We live within a fantasy world that we have all worked together to create.  Which also means that everywhere you go lies within that world so long as you stay within the boundaries.

Halloween is co-created on a much grander scale.  Sure people opt out, but enough opt in that the entire day becomes a co-created “fantastical” world.

Monsters and dead things abound.

My gods, just think about this, being fearful is encouraged and celebrated.  And then we’re taught to laugh at our fears.  We are taught to wear our fears on the outside of our skin, to BE the very horrors that have us hiding under our covers.

How gods-freaking-fabulous-tastic is that?

Seriously.  Look at this outlet we have given ourselves from mundane reality, and it’s for everyone!  AND we’re saying it’s okay to be scared.  And we’ll join with everyone else in making it happen.  How wacked is that?

This is the only holiday/celebration in my society that goes beyond the shared co-creating of an environment (xmas does that with all the lights and external decorations) and invites us to GO INTO EACH OTHERS LIVES!

There are only two generally, sort of accepted ways to visit someone’s house if you don’t know them:

1) you’re selling something, from god to floor cleaners, cookies to makeup, you’re there to sell.

2) you’re begging for help, like a phone call for your car, a run-over pet, psychotic man in mask trying to kill you who turns out to be your brother who killed your older sister many years before and has now escaped from the prison/sanitarium and is now going to kill you

But then there is this bizarre, magical third reason:

3)  It’s Halloween.

Um, wtf?  Why on earth is it acceptable on this one day of the year to go wandering to some strangers house, ring their door, and ask for CANDY?!?

Just stop and think about it for a minute if it hasn’t already struck you.  Outside of Halloween, have you ever just gone up to somebody’s house, knocked on their door and expected to receive something nice?    Just try and picture it happening.  Try and picture doing it.

It’s weird.

And yet on Halloween, it’s expected.  And that it’s okay for kids to do it (even now when we’re terrified to let them touch dirt let alone talk to strangers).  And that those who have opted in (with the lit pumpkin) have agreed to a social contract to open that door and give out goodies.

This is so freaking bizarre it makes me proud to live here.

~Abysmal Witch, in her element.

Gorging

Had to do the grocery shopping today, part of life’s necessities, but I also do it as a once/week big shop and cook to see me through most of the week (too busy most days to worry about cooking and that pesky lunch thing!  just nicer to have leftovers to reheat).

I was in the grocery store and I wanted desperately to pick up something tasty and satisfying that I could gorge myself on.  That I could eat until the deepest parts of my soul were satisfied.  I wanted to slurp it up, shove it in my mouth, eat and eat and eat until utterly and completely satiated.

This is not a good feeling.

This is a feeling born of something deeper and nastier.

But I didn’t think about that.  I just wanted to satisfy the craving <little voice in back of head crying out “warning!  WARNING!!!”>.

Problem was, I’ve embraced a fiscally responsible world, with a budget for things like groceries, and I’ve been working on losing weight by being conscious of what I’m eating.

So everything I looked at either a) cost money I wasn’t willing to spend or b) wasn’t perfect enough for satisfying the gorge desire to warrant the calorie cost.

Went through the whole grocery store going, “hmmm?”  ummmm  ”naaaahhh”.  It was a rather annoying and clearly pointless trip to the store.  I bought vegetables and meat for tonight’s dinner and this week’s lunches.  Cereal for breakfast.  A vitamin and fresh bandaids (Disney princess faeries this time hehehe).  No donut croissants, no bags of chips, no chocolate bar or candy or anything “bad” for me yet oh-so-tasty.

Why?  Because every temptation I picked up I did an internal test of “will this satisfy my need to gorge?  Enough so that it’s worth the calorie & financial cost?”  And the answer was always no.

And you know what happened when I got home?

I had my cereal breakfast for dinner (it was a weird and rather backwards day in many ways).  And I felt full.  Not utterly satisfied, but full and in no need of further food.  So much for the gorging desire.  A bowl of cereal filled me up to the “I don’t want to eat anymore right now” state.

This was an almost accidental handling of the emotional burning urge that underlied the gorging desire.

And I’m damn glad.

If I was really good I’d sit down with the feeling and get closer to understanding its source and its underlying need.  But instead, heading to bed, strangely satisfied with the results of my day.

A Little Love Dissection

Unconditional love.  It sounds like such a wonderful thing, instinctually we know we want to stretch out and bask in it, but what actually is it?

Well, unconditional tells me that it can’t have any conditions on it. Ergo, no limitations, no boundaries.

What if I and my loved one are separated by distance? Doesn’t matter, says unconditional love.

What if I and my loved one are separated by time? That we haven’t seen the other for many years or more? Doesn’t matter, says unconditional love.

What if my loved one hurt me? Doesn’t matter, says unconditional love.

What if my loved one is lost to me? Doesn’t matter, says unconditional love.

Unconditional love does not contain the other types of love, though they may often be present at the same time. Unconditional love transcends the other types of love. It is cosmic. It encompasses all. It knows no boundaries, no rules, no exceptions.

All other loves have their own edges. Times when they are present and reasons when they are not. They are not and never will be unconditional.  And this is good.  One is not better than the other.  They are different and they serve different needs.

When other loves are present, the potential for unconditional love exists. Whether it will manifest is dependent on too many factors to predict.

~Abysmal Witch

What Matters in Your Moment?

Every once in a while, usually when in the midst of a really good moment I’m not paying enough attendion to, I notice what’s important.

Lying on my couch, my fuzzy girl on my chest, I realize that I’m focussed on the television, on some movie or tv show that is already hard to recall.

And not on her, warm, purring and relaxed on my chest, one paw up to touch my cheek.

She’s getting old, my baby girl, over fourteen.  And she may have many years left, but also may not.

So I pulled away from the tv show, hugged her a little closer, focussed all my attention on all I felt with her curled up on me.

I took that moment into me.  Because she matters to me, far more than some generic entertainment.

What’s important in your moment?  Where is your attention?  These are the questions I hope to remember to ask myself more often.

~Abysmal Witch

With Justice to Ourselves

Today’s random reading selection was from Dion Fortune’s Estoteric Orders and their Work and the Training and Work of an Initiate.

In it one phrase caught hold of me, hard:

“with justice to himself”

The sentence it was from, for context, was “Upon this plane…man must function as a master; he cannot, with justice to himself, meet its entities upon equal terms.”

With justice to himself.

These days we are pretty good about self-entitlement and have something of a handle on justice for others (and more prevalent among women is the sublimation of self to others, but that’s a blog for another day).  But justice for ourselves?  Doing ourselves justice?

As I type this my thoughts want to slide over into the “what we’re owed” concept.  Again, what we are entitled to.  And kiddies (I’m one too, btw) I can tell you that we’re entitled to jack shit.  No guarantees in life.  No promises.  Nothing that we’re intrinsically, cosmically owed.  Many things that we may end up owed amongst our own community and culture, but there is no cosmic justice saying that I’m entitled to be set for life.

The only cosmic entitlement once we’re born is to have some fleeting time in life, however long or short that might be.

I think it is very easy for us to feel entitled for ourselves.  Just see my rant on the how Christmas has turned into the season of buying things for ourselves.

But this is not what Dion Fortune was talking about.  It wasn’t about being owed, it’s about owing ourselves.

What we really need is to ACT with justice to ourselves, our full Selves.  This is not about a liscence to shop.  This is about doing right by ourSelves.

What actions do we owe our Selves?  Which behaviours are truly in service to our Selves?  And which are convenient, easy or unconsciously distracting?

I had a lovely day out at Vancouver Pagan Pride Day today and so while I would like to ramble more on this, the sun (and sunburns, oops!) are getting to me.  Hopefully what I have gotten down makes sense to more than just me.

Sometimes I feel alone on my own Wonderland Island in the Sea of Communal Insanity.

Do your Self and your Life justice today and I’ll try and do the same.  Deal?

~Abysmal Witch

Paganism 101

Firelyte from Inciting a Riot made a facebook post that inspired this train wreck of a thought.  :D  Though to be fair, it really had nothing to do with what I’m planning to talk about.

What he said that got me thinking (and we know how hard that is!) were the words “paganism” and “101″ in a related sentence.

And I end up thinking “is it possible to have a Paganism 101 book?”

I don’t think it is.

We have Wicca 101s and Heathenism 101s and it certainly wouldn’t surprise me to see Druirdry 101s and there are tarot 101s and rune 101s and herbalism 101s.  Or in other words, there are intro books to all kinds of topics that are of interest to pagans.

And oh gods, I’m going to do it.  I can’t believe it, but I am going down the road that all sane pagans should avoid:  defining paganism.

My gods, there are almost as many definitions of paganism as there are paths within it.  With nuances and blatant differences, arguments and bickering.  It’s a point that pushes us away from each other rather than drawing us together (funny, isn’t it? given that it is a community term?).  But I’m going there any way.

This is my opinion.  It is endorsed by no one by me.  YOUR WORLDVIEW MAY VARY.  And that’s perfectly grand and fine.  However, if you end up agreeing with me, I can’t help but think that’s a little grander and finer, but then, we’re all egotists at heart.

My definition is born out of what I witness as being included by those within and without the practices that get lumped under that poor maligned umbrella.

There are two components:  magical practice and spirituality.

Only one is required for falling under the pagan umbrella.  Yes, I am saying that you do not have to be spiritual to be pagan.  You also don’t have to be a tree-hugger.  Neither do you have to believe in magic.

Magical practices that tend to get lumped into paganism:  hermeticism, occasionally alchemy, thelema (yes, that’s the Crowley stuff), hoodoo (though this one is frequently debated), witchcraft as craft, not religion.

Spiritual practices that tend to get lumped into paganism:  wicca, druidry, heathenism, voodoo (sometimes but debated), goddess-worship, reconstructionist religions (particularly of Europe)

Some magical practices have a spiritual component.

Some spiritual practices have a magical component.

Any and all of these get lumped as paganism.  It’s no wonder that my paganism isn’t like anyone else’s.  And neither is yours.

Stage 2 of my definition of paganism.  How a person is identified.  You can be a) self-identified or b) identified by others.

We generally allow for self-identification of paganism…and not.  But you know what?  That’s only half the battle for me.  If you self-identify as pagan but your behaviour is that of a muslim, I will disagree with your self-assessment and do not consider you pagan.  If you do not self-identify as pagan but your spiritual practice revolves around goddess-worship, nature-worship and seasonal celebrations, well, then, you can deny it as much as you like but I’m still going to view you as pagan.

Not that I discount the self-identification.  But frankly, it alone doesn’t do it for me.

Now coming back for a moment to the spiritual component, obviously it is more complicated than just a simple list.  How do we decide which spiritual practices count as pagan?  Well, if they are european reconstructions or descendents, excluding Christianity, we tend to include them.  If they are nature-based, we tend to include them.  If they have goddess worship (but not Mary), then we tend to include them.

If a practice has a strong connection to one of the “big” religions, then it ain’t paganism.  But still, it’s not like we’re everything that’s left over.  Some people like to include First Nations practices in paganism.  I personally consider paganism to be a european creation, but I’m willing to negotiate on this one.  And that, my dears, is the fun part of paganism.

It is a communal fictional dream.

There is no one practice that constitutes paganism.  You can’t even say that a magical component is required because it isn’t!  You can goddess worship and nature worship and old god worship without ever touching magic.  Yes, many of the spiritual practices under the label do have a magical component but that’s cuz we like to have a combined world rather than a segregated one.  But when you look at what we include under the umbrella, it is most definitely NOT an AND situation.  It’s an either/or/and situation.

So given all this, how could there possibly be a Paganism 101 book?

To have an intro book on how to do something, there has to be a single, DEFINABLE practice that is done.  All of the 101s I listed above are definable and separable from the topic herd.  Paganism is its own topic herd.  You’d have to cover a dozen different items in a Paganism 101 book and even then, none of them would have to be included and you wouldn’t cover every possible pagan contingency.

None of them would have to be included.  Doesn’t that say it all?

I can’t think of a single requirement that applies to all groups that can be considered pagan.  Not one.  Okay, not one that can’t also be applied to any other major religion.

There is not a unique identifier to paganism.  Not one thing you can point at and go, absolutely, ALL pagans have that.  There are things that you can point to and will think ‘well, hell, ya, that’s pagan all right.’ but nothing that applies to everybody.

I’ve been in pagan groups with the hermetic, the thelemite, the druid and the wiccan, and the self-identified pagan who adheres to no particular path (but who embraces some of the components listed above).

Oh, those pesky “i’m pagan” people.  They make it extra tricky.  They’re not in one of the handy dandy defined categories listed above.  They’re comfortable as being just pagan.  Their spiritual practice may be earth-based, it may be goddess-based, it may not be.  But you watch them in their behaviour and you’ll either agree with their statement or not.  If you do, well they self-identified and you agree, ergo they’re pagan.  If they do, and you don’t, well they may not be.  They may be inappropriately using the label.  It does happen.

So given all this, do you think it’s possible to do a Paganism 101?

If it is, what would it look like?

Honour the seasons?  Hugs some trees (I don’t mean it in a derogatory way, I’m just enjoying saying it…now I want to go and hug a tree, either oak or willow I’m thinking)?  And don’t forget that if you’re interested, there’s this magical thing that’s possible to?

So, again, no, I don’t think it is possible to have a Paganism 101.

HOWEVER, none of this means that I don’t believe in the pagan label.  I do.  It unites us with people who also seek to elevate themselves, who celebrate the same things we do (mostly), with people who make the best conversations.  By banding together in a larger group we become a greater force.

And by allowing such fabulous diversity amongst our ‘bigger’ group, we help to keep ourselves open minded and flexible.  And that is a recipe for health in my book.

And with that, my beloved crazies, I have reached the end of this ranting tale.  Til next time, live strong!

~Abysmal Witch

It’s Your Life

It is, you know.  Just yours.  No one else’s.

You decide when to get up and when to sleep (don’t try that “I have to get up for work” shyte on me because working is still a choice, making it your decision ultimately to get up.)

You decide who to love.

And who to hate.  (You may be influenced by other people, but your emotions belong to you, and no one else.)

You own your life.  All of it.  Every scrappy, crappy, happy piece of it.

So sink your hands into it!  Go deep, into the wrists, the elbow, the armpits.  Sink down deep into your own life and wrap it around you like the smoothest fabric, the softest embrace, the best, most tangled, wrapped up, caught up, cuddled up enfolding of yourself into yourself.

Take hold so deep, so hard, that no one can ever separate you from yourself again.

Grab hold of your life and love it, hate it, feel it, share it, f*ck it, dream it, OWN it.

It’s yours.

Not your friends’.  Not your parents’ or your family’s.  Not your boss’s and not even your kids’, pets’ or fern’s.  It’s bloody well yours.

And absolutely no one can tell you otherwise.

Not even yourself.

You can try and toss away your life, your responsibility, your choices and decisions but in the end such actions always fail because no one owns your life but you.

Which means no one can ever take it away from you.

It’s your life.

Live strong.

~Abysmal Witch