Periodically I like to (pretend to) get organized.  I list out all the things I want to do in day-to-day living and then I look at how they will possibly fit into the actual time available.

Then my shoulder hunches, my eyelid twitches and weird sounds echo from my mouth.  Because I end up with a combination of overwhelming and impossible.  Cue mental meltdown and failure of whole plan.

Being me, I started doing the same thing this New Year’s.  Did I mention I need repeated lessons on things?

But this time, this time I stopped.

I was already feeling anxious and twitchy just by trying to make the list.  It isn’t possible to live the life I want in the time I want.

Not in the way I was thinking about it anyway.

Time to simplify!  Ah, the joys of simplification.

So instead of squeezing things in and giving everything its time, I realized that my workday evenings generally go in three stages.  On any given day what happens in a particular stage is likely to be different, but the stages are the same.

Already my shoulder was coming out of its quasimoto state.

Stage one:  Practicality.

Upon achieving the blissful state of “thank gods I’m home”, or even in the semi-blissful state of “I’m headed home”, that is the time for me to do the practical things.  If I put them off until later, they will likely never get done (boy have I proven that more times than I care to think of or am capable of remembering!).

So I get home (or on the way home do errands) and cook, eat, tidy, clean, answer email, deal with whatever practical crap needs to get dealt with.  Only for an hour, hour and a half max.  And then it’s done!  Cue happy relaxation music.

Stage two:  Physicality

Ah, the joys of my life.  Physio is here to stay.  Every day is physio, either short or extended depending on what other physical things might happen that day (still in swimming lessons so on those days, much less physio and longer time in this stage).  But it’s a do what my body needs time and one of the highest importance things in my world given what happens if I don’t do it.

Eye twitch starts to disappear as I see how this can be easily and practically applied.

Understanding.  One of my favourite things to do at this time of year (we’re pretending it’s still Yule time as I type this) is to give the “perfect” gift.  The perfect gift isn’t in the item.

It is in how it is received.

When the other person’s eyes, face, body light up.  When they get that grin or laugh, get teary or just really solemn before they give you a great, big hug, that’s when I know I’ve given a perfect gift.

Because it was something special to them not necessarily to me.

Giving the perfect gift requires seeing the other person for who THEY are, and not getting sucked into seeing on them reflections of our own needs and wants.

It is so easy to assume fall victim to the “I like it so they’ll like it too” attitude.  There has to be more to recommend something as a gift for a particular person than just that I or you like it.

Giving the perfect gift is allowing yourself insight into the who of someone else.  At the deepest level, you let go of your own ego to let in the sense of the other person, to understand what it is that would bring them joy.

Yes, knowing the person, their likes/dislikes, whether or not they have the same sense of humour as you, their complete addiction to My Little Ponies, these are all tells.  We pay attention to the person, know what they are like, what they’ve shown preference for in the past, or not.  We apply that knowledge in picking out the gift.

Some might say that this isn’t any mystical experience, it’s just good social etiquette.

Well, and it is.  And when done out of duty, that’s all it is.  But when it’s done out of love?  Then it is a gift of love.

Understanding the other person is the gift we receive when we give a perfect gift.

Love is the gift the other person receives when they receive from us the perfect gift.

I firmly believe that we experience love through attention.  Without getting into any real specifics:  We give attention to people we love.  When someone pays attention to us, we feel loved (whether we want it or not, though it always feels nicest when it is mutual).

When we fully embrace understanding (or love) then we have reached a mystical experience.

And when they open the gift, and their face lights up, and I get to see that I was right, that I had connected with that person, understood them, given even just one person a perfect gift for that year, then I know I have understood, truly understood and joy is then mine, too.

~Abysmal Witch

To set the backdrop, I don’t spend a lot of time on my balcony.  It’s nice.  i keep it decorated and decently clean.  But I’m rarely comfortable spending time out there.

Yesterday, I went to visit a friend.  She and her partner regularly go outside for a smoke, they sit in their backyard, look at the trees and relax.

Today I realized that I avoid the balcony because I am bothered by the idea of simply relaxing.  I should be DOING something, not just sitting on my ass.

Or so says the back part of my brain.

Tonight I went outside for my own nip of bud though more importantly to take a distinct break between tasks, between things I was working on.  It felt good at their place, surely I could do something similar in my own home?

And it worked.  Okay, yes, we have to ignore my twitchy, must move, must do something, must must must voice, but after that it was calm, it was peaceful, it allowed me to regroup, as it were, and settle comfortably back into myself.

I didn’t wait until I was too exhausted and then crash out from the exhaustion of pushing myself through the horror of doing what I “should” do.  Instead, when that feeling came on, I went outside, took a break, gave myself just 15 minutes of relaxing and contemplating and BEING.

Then came back in and it was round two of doing…wait, I could do whatever I wanted.  And I did do it.  I did the things on my list but because I wanted them done not so that I wouldn’t feel guilty.

Recognizing and using the power of breaks and rest is my New Year’s resolution.  Here’s planning towards it being a new habit and soon.

A night of fabulousness to all, and to all a fab night.

~Abysmal Witch

I don’t mean a few stores, I mean everything except for a few gas stations, the odd pharmacy and the occasional restaurant.

The streets were near vacant because there was nowhere to go except to friends, family or nature.

Today I drove to a friend’s place.  It is New Year’s Day.  Parking lots had a noticeable amount of cars in them.  Not as bad as during the holiday frenzy and yet, still, a plentitude of cars dotting the asphalt landscape.

But surely I was mistaken!  Surely people aren’t actually shopping on New Year’s Day.

Nope.  That Winners had someone coming out of it.  Those other people were headed into some other store.

Yes, there were still places closed.  But it wasn’t like before.  It wasn’t a case that almost everyone had the day off except for near essential services (food, gas and medication).  Some number were still free from the work world, but many were not so lucky.  Not nearly enough of them.

The joy of these days was that the world rested.  In the midst of the silent season, we would go quiet, rest and celebrate that rest.

Now our culture has led us to strip ourselves of even that.  Despite the joy I take in the season, I see many nasty roads we are taking ourselves down.  This one in particular struck me painfully today.

We’re forgetting how to let ourselves rest, how to turn off, how to let go.  Despite broader understanding of the need for rest and respite, we are taking ever more steps towards a world where that is forgotten, devalued, tossed aside like three day old chicken bones that never saw the inside of a fridge.

Sadness.

~Abysmal Witch

This time is for something else.  It is the quiet, the still, the pause between times when the world rests, sits, takes a deep breath in preparation for the work ahead.

The work will come soon enough.  It waits at the tips of us, our fingers, noses and tongues, but it will wait just a little bit longer.

For now we rest in the hollow.

It is still here.  Silent.

Space.

The room for all things within us, without us, between us all.  Nothing is held onto here, no preconception, need or desire, expectation or haunt can remain, clinging to us, when we enter the hollow and stay to it.  Despite the pushings and pullings or our normal nature.

It is when the tug-o-war ceases that you know you have arrived.  Visits can be very short or very long, but always they change us.

Transformed.

It is different here, change comes more easily once the commitment to change is forgotten and being, just being, sets in.

So long as you continue to hunt wabbits, the hollow cannot take you.  But hunting wabbits can lead you to the hollow.

The hollow is everywhere.  It is perception and duty and life that keeps us from settling in to it.

It is our own misconceptions that keep us from knowing it.

Our fears lace us into a corset of requirement.  Keep us from knowing the fullness of our Selves.

Sssshhhhhhhh.  Listen quietly.  See softly.

Rest empty.

~Abysmal Witch

It is great to enjoy receiving gifts without any emotional baggage.  As in your own emotional baggage, not the gift’s.

To think, someone cared for you emotional state enough to get you something they thought you would enjoy.

And yes, again I am getting away from the requisite giving that is so typified in the media and our culture (and even more so in other cultures judging by recent conversations).  This isn’t the required polite receiving of some polite gift that was given because it was expected and received with a polite smile because the amount of emotion on the receiving end equalled that of the giving end.

I’m talking about having a gift in your hands that as you look upon it your heart glows.  It makes you laugh.  Or it fulfills a need.  Or it satisfies an itch you didn’t even know you had.  It speaks to you.  And it’s FOR YOU.

I’ve long believed that we experience love through attention.  When we are on the receiving end of positive attention, we feel loved (having your birthday remembered, receiving a gift you really wanted and so clearly the other person had paid attention to you, being asked about your day and the examples could continue forever).

Receiving a gift is taking in love.

Without commitment or expectation.

NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

If there was a string attached then it wasn’t a fucking gift and it doesn’t belong in this conversation.

Wow, taking in love.

As I type, I think “hey, this is why Santa is such a strong, beloved archetype!”

What is this lunatic talking about?

Think about it.  Santa is the ultimate gift giver, right?  He gives to all he loves (generally portrayed as all who are “good”), freely, without any expectation of return, no strings at all.

Which means that when you receive a gift from Santa, all you have to do, ALL you have to do is receive it.  Take it in.  Take that freely given love into your heart. You get to enjoy the gift without any guilt or need to reciprocate.  Something I think many people have a hard time doing when the gift is from someone known.  But Santa?  His gifts are safe to receive.

I received gifts this yule.  And each one was unexpected and appreciated.  And ZERO fretting over anyone who didn’t give a gift.  Because there was no need for gifts to be given.  No need = no requirement = no guilt.  Gods, I love things that come without guilt.

This receiving isn’t the greedy grasping of a selfish child.  This is the glorious receiving of the open and essentially hopeful child.

This Yule I let myself take in the gifts of my friends, from the physical to the spiritual, the joy of their company to their funny stories.

Yes, gifts range far beyond the physical, and many of them arrive when we’re not paying attention.

Time to wake up and take it in.  Let it all in.  Receive the gifts that are waiting for your hands to open to take them in.

~Abysmal Witch

I’m talking about the sheer bliss of giving BECAUSE YOU WANT TO.

With no other lingering, hidden feeling lurking behind the giving.

There’s no expectation in it, no regret, no pressure, no feeling that you “had to”.  The one and only reason for the giving is because in your heart of hearts you want to.  What you want.  To who you want.  Without needing, without WANTING anything back.

That’s right.  My bliss lies in doing it.  Utterly and completely in the doing.

Full stop.

The only thing I hope for on the other end is to see a bit of my joy reflected in the receiver’s reaction.  That’s my payoff.

And what a fucking awesome payoff it is.

Throughout that night I experienced true bliss, in waves that crested and rushed over me.  Over the next days I shall share what names I found for the waves.

My first bliss of Yule is the souls of my spiritual kindred.  I stood amongst the woods, goddess in me, and my kindred stood by my side.  They danced the ritual with me.  They shared food and laughter, solemnity and grace.  These aren’t just kin.  These are the people that resonate with me.  We are not the same but together we created a harmony that, I like to think, lifted us all up higher.

When we spoke, ideas and concepts and understanding was shared, not just words and information.

I felt like I was among my own kind.  I WAS among my own kind.

Graced in bliss by my resonant kin.

~Abysmal Witch

You know what I mean, the desire to run a marathon, write a book, become a famous seamstress.  Something that relies on your ability, your effort, your work.  Do you have something like that?

I do.  I have several such somethings.  One of them is being more accomplished in my magick.  Tonight as I went up to my temple I had the ‘duh’ realization.

If I want something, truly want it, is it worth 20 minutes of my time?  Just that, 20 minutes.

Would I give up 20 minutes of my life to get that thing?

If not, then I clearly don’t want it, not bad enough.  Because 20 minutes is not that much time.  If I can’t take 20 minutes to reach that desire, then it’s a pretty freaking weak desire.  A mild preference, in fact.

If yes, then take the 20 minutes.  Without putting it off.  Without placing something else before it.  Grab hold of the 20 minutes because it is your desire, just in its early stages.

Sink your claws into your desire and start to sip from the great possibility of it, because you’ve put in your 20 minutes.

This was a good use of 20 minutes.

~Abysmal Witch

Halloween.  All of ‘em, pretty much, though Season 3 tends to leave me cold.  The Rob Zombie remakes are great (well, the first one is great, the second has moments of brilliance and moments of bizarreness, so go where you will).  And I’m particularly fond of H20.  There’s something about it that just gives me the Halloween Warm Fuzzies.

Rocky Horror Picture Show. I mean, come on.  How much more in the twisted, spooky vein do you need to get?  Frankenstein’s monster, zombies, sluts and aliens all in one.  :D

Nightmare Before Christmas.  Though I’m semi-tempted to put this on the Christmas list.  But Halloween mostly wins.  ”This is Halloween”: damn song will get stuck in your head for ages.  Bell, Book and Candle could also be said to be a cross-over, all about witches but set at Christmastime.  Go figure.

Corpse Bride.  ”A wedding, we’re going to have a wedding!”  It’s a fun little romp through the land of the dead.  If you haven’t gone down this movie road, you really should.  And for a corpse, the bride is pretty hot.

Wizard of Oz.  It’s on the lighter side, and yet so funly marvelous.  Scary witches and flying monkeys, what more can a girl ask for?  Right, teally great shoes.

Sweeny Todd.  Still in the land of musicals, we are, but moving back to the blood and the gore.  Nasty death galore, but with songs.  How lovely.

Zombie movies.  Yeah, okay, so this was cheating, but seriously, how do you pick your best?  There’s the classic Night of the Living Dead and the modern mocking of Shaun of the Dead & Fido.  28 Days Later will freak you with their super-speed and the nasty commentary on humanity.  Zombieland should be issued as a teaching video.  Resident Evil has given me nightmares (gah, stuck with the red queen in my dreams, was most disturbing). And the list could continue.

Evil Dead & co.  Don’t read from the book!   hehehe.  This one more so for me after seeing the live play version.

Hmmm, combining a bunch together has made these last two slots much harder.  I’m racking my head, but it’s a bit hard.  My head, that is.

Exorcist movies are certainly a decent choice.  The original will always be marvelous and I rather like Lost Souls which I tend to think of in the same general vein.  But they’re not overly Halloweenie, just scary.  Still, they fill a spot on the list.

Oh, if only I owned it, I’m sure I would watch it.  Puff’n'stuff.  Damn, that would make a fine Halloween movie, don’t you think?  Witchypoo can’t be beat.

And finally, the Wicker Man.  Perfectly classic.

On a different day I might give you a different list, but today, this is my top 10 (uh, 11) Halloween Season movies.

So what do you watch in preparation of the season?

~Abysmal Witch