Old Enemy

I’ve been quiet for awhile now, dear seekers, but not for lack of wanting to share with you.

No, the desire to share has been present and willing.  The rest of me has been too exhausted, too silent, too encased in on old enemy to be able to set fingers to keyboard.

No fascinating lead up, no drum roll, just a few last phrases before I reveal that cursed, hated name:  depression.

Yep, I am one of the <wait for google search> one in three suffering from major depression.  Oh, yippee.

As I said, he’s an old enemy (I’ve decided it’s male, at least today).  We’ve spent many years together, sometimes in a row, sometimes just a few months at a go.  Every now and again I go years without a visit.  I could have gone another couple before running into him again.

Truly.

But here I am.  Now I have the advantage of having gotten intimate with Depression in the past.  I know his quirks, his faves, his peeves, his bad habits and his favourite hang-outs.  Does it make any of this easier?

Objectively:  yes.  I know what to do to counteract at least some of the effects.  I may go down the road of anti-depressants until it resolves itself.  I will likely visit my therapist (been a couple of years, would be good to catch up).  I stay active, engaged with people, doing things that make me happy (ha! sorry, couldn’t resist mocking that statement).

Subjectively:  f*ck no.  Depression SUCKS!  It sucks happiness out of you, it sucks energy out of you, and yes, it sucks the soul right out of your being.  It comes in waves, but in the midst of a wave all I want to do is curl up in a ball and call in “f*ck you” to life.  I’m prone to irrational anger, miniscule tolerance to stupidity, and random crying fits.

I really hate crying.  Gives me headaches.

So, this is where I’ve been.  Wallowing.  Trying desperately not to wallow.  Then going to bed early because I’m too exhausted from the emotional drain to stay awake.

Yes, exhausted.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, depression is utterly exhausting.  It may seem that there’s no reason for such tiredness.  After all, depressed people don’t necessarily do a lot (that whole exhaustion thing) so why so tired?  I believe it’s the deep intensity of the emotion.  It drinks straight from your soul, taking all of your spiritual nutrients and leaving nothing for you to live off of.

And the most frustrating thing?

I feel that if I could just do a slight switch on my mental state.  Just look left instead of right, I could change my whole outlook and be a happy, healthy individual.

I can see the possibility of it dangling out of reach, like the gods are playing me like a kitten.  But even the kitten occasionally gets the yarn.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll catch the string.  But for tonight? I’m thinking another drink before going to bed.  But hey, at least I expressed myself via the blog, yes?  Let’s count that for a win!  😉

Addendum:  as always, this I’m sharing so that the information/idea/experience travels out into the cyber world that it may reach people who find it useful.  I have no need/desire for and am certainly not seeking sympathy.

For anyone who has gone through or is going through:  high five!  hmmm, okay, low five!

~Abysmal Witch

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8 thoughts on “Old Enemy

  1. Hi 5 indeed. In addition to ME, anxiety disorder and rage issues, depression has been bothering me for almost two years now. (I probably had it in my teens as well but no one seemed to notice, not even when I had a break down and told my parents I heard voices)

    I feel your pain, I really do. It irks me when people who are just down say they are depressed. They have not felt the black pressure bearing down on them for no reason other than to piss you off. They have not been on the flooring sobbing so hard they cannot breathe, wishing they were not here.

    But the good thing is, is we know it will pass. It doesn’t feel like it when you’re in that old pit but good times will roll around again. We may feel delicate but we are stronger people for facing the storm and coming out the other side.

    Sending you love and strength xxx

  2. I have had clinical depression and SAD for the past 18 years and as soon as the weather changed this year i felt crappy for three days and then a little better. The only thing that irritates me a lot is that other people don’t understand. It makes it easier if you know what it is and some counter effects for it but it is not easy. Blessings, amy

  3. I can definitely sympathize. I’ve had depression at LEAST since Grade 9. Manic-depression since sometime after that (never really diagnosed until I asked my pain specialist-also a psychiatrist-if he could tell me if I was). I also have anxiety issues, and, on the rare occasion, anger or rage issues (ie. blacking out and doing/saying things).

    Luckily, I am medicated for EVERYONE’S protection, and it works mostly.

    I’ve had situational (ie. not chemical imbalance) depression for three months now. I can’t talk about the situation with people, as it’s private, and not something I want to share. But it made my clinical depression act up. Luckily, I have an appointment with my specialist, who can help me out.

    I feel for you–I understand the “occasionally thwaped with depression”–my twin sister has that. And when she gets hit, she gets hit hard. Which is difficult for her job.

    *hugs* Remember, you ARE one in three, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of! I wear my badge of mental illness with pride! I’ve survived it, and will continue to do so! And I know you will too!

  4. Oh, I’ve been feeling this so much lately as well. In fact, I just upped my dose of SSRI from 20 to 30 mg cause I couldn’t take the gnawing lethargy any longer (when, in fact I was hoping to go off them completely this fall.. funny how things change.)

    Your attack plan sounds so familiar, and I respect and envy you the energy to do it. Me? I just go to the woods every single day that I can.. for the fresh air, for the colours, to get me out of the damn apartment.

    I wish you all the best in getting away from your depression and find a healthy balance once again.

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