I’ve been quiet for awhile now, dear seekers, but not for lack of wanting to share with you.
No, the desire to share has been present and willing. The rest of me has been too exhausted, too silent, too encased in on old enemy to be able to set fingers to keyboard.
No fascinating lead up, no drum roll, just a few last phrases before I reveal that cursed, hated name: depression.
Yep, I am one of the <wait for google search> one in three suffering from major depression. Oh, yippee.
As I said, he’s an old enemy (I’ve decided it’s male, at least today). We’ve spent many years together, sometimes in a row, sometimes just a few months at a go. Every now and again I go years without a visit. I could have gone another couple before running into him again.
But here I am. Now I have the advantage of having gotten intimate with Depression in the past. I know his quirks, his faves, his peeves, his bad habits and his favourite hang-outs. Does it make any of this easier?
Objectively: yes. I know what to do to counteract at least some of the effects. I may go down the road of anti-depressants until it resolves itself. I will likely visit my therapist (been a couple of years, would be good to catch up). I stay active, engaged with people, doing things that make me happy (ha! sorry, couldn’t resist mocking that statement).
Subjectively: f*ck no. Depression SUCKS! It sucks happiness out of you, it sucks energy out of you, and yes, it sucks the soul right out of your being. It comes in waves, but in the midst of a wave all I want to do is curl up in a ball and call in “f*ck you” to life. I’m prone to irrational anger, miniscule tolerance to stupidity, and random crying fits.
I really hate crying. Gives me headaches.
So, this is where I’ve been. Wallowing. Trying desperately not to wallow. Then going to bed early because I’m too exhausted from the emotional drain to stay awake.
Yes, exhausted. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, depression is utterly exhausting. It may seem that there’s no reason for such tiredness. After all, depressed people don’t necessarily do a lot (that whole exhaustion thing) so why so tired? I believe it’s the deep intensity of the emotion. It drinks straight from your soul, taking all of your spiritual nutrients and leaving nothing for you to live off of.
And the most frustrating thing?
I feel that if I could just do a slight switch on my mental state. Just look left instead of right, I could change my whole outlook and be a happy, healthy individual.
I can see the possibility of it dangling out of reach, like the gods are playing me like a kitten. But even the kitten occasionally gets the yarn.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll catch the string. But for tonight? I’m thinking another drink before going to bed. But hey, at least I expressed myself via the blog, yes? Let’s count that for a win! 😉
Addendum: as always, this I’m sharing so that the information/idea/experience travels out into the cyber world that it may reach people who find it useful. I have no need/desire for and am certainly not seeking sympathy.
For anyone who has gone through or is going through: high five! hmmm, okay, low five!